Milestone Malaise

Milestones are the hardest. Today is my birthday.

My sole birthday wish each year for the last 8 years has simply been to see my only child. That hasn’t happened.

But today my wish is that she is having the time of her life on her European gap adventure and is too busy squeezing the juice out of life to think of her Dad.

On most milestone dates I haven’t even heard her voice, or received a card or txt. PA is devastatingly cruel and harmful to the child and the parent.

The last time we shared Xmas Day was in Kyoto in 2010 where G_,  S_ and I packed away memories beautiful enough to last us through to our next Xmas together – whenever that may be….

Because of attitudes of others, the last time I was able to actually see S_ and hug her on her birthday was way back in 2005. My birthday wish for her next month will be that she enjoys her day, knowing that her Dad loves her, understands her turmoil and is patiently waiting till the waves settle enough for her to reach her other home on the far shore.

The last time I saw my daughter on Fathers Day was in 2007. Next September I am optimistic S_ will be at my side. If she’s not I will count my many blessings, help other Dads and refocus on the following year.

I don’t know how I’ve got through all these years but unlike many parents, I do know what “unconditional love” really means.

I still have my bad days – who wouldn’t? But I have also learned something else about myself, perhaps best summed up by Albert Camus:

“In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.”

 

(photo taken by my daughter Xmas 2010)


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